Become

He looked past me and said to become a good woman. I’ve been turning the words over in my head all day. I’ve been trying to piece it together even as I’m out kareokeing on what should be a school night. If I wasn’t carrying a bouquet of flowers I’m sure of the older people walking past would give me reproachful looks. Staying out late would mean I had become a bad student.

But now I am not a student, I’m an adult. Whatever that means. What do you think he meant, saying “become a good woman”? I don’t know because while there’s a general idea of a good woman, maybe my idea of a good woman and his idea of a good woman are different. I spent three years getting to know sensei, my homeroom teacher. We’ve gone on school trips, run so fast in takusai that he had to drag me to keep up, prepared a budget for the classroom exhibit in the bunkasai. That’s good right? Or rather that’s good for as student. A good student is what I know how to be. It’s easy to figure out how to be a good student. Teachers are very transparent in what they think is good. Good grades in all subjects, involved in clubs and the student council, never sleeping or reading or texting during lessons. While staying awake is tricky, it’s not so hard to live up to expectations, at least for me. I know some of my classmates, even some of my friends who struggle to be good students. Some of them just gave up after their first year when things were harder than they expected.

I’m almost mad at his response. Without a hint of sadness at me, his good student, leaving. He just smiles that same smile he’s been giving everyone today and said to me “become a good woman”. Was that what I worked so hard to get? Beyond my diploma and entrance into college, that’s all I get, and “Osotsugyo Omedeto Gozaimasu”. No “I always liked you. You were my favorite student. You always tried your best to be a good student. I know how you stayed up late studying, came to school when you had a high fever, and never cut class with fake stomach pains.” All I could say to him, stunned and pulled away by my friends was “ganbaremasu”.

How does one go about persisting to become a good woman. What is a good woman? Is a good woman one who gets married and has babies right out of high school? I can’t do that, boys think I’m too serious. Is a good woman one who graduates university? My grandmother says I shouldn’t work too hard, that I should try to find a boyfriend at university. Don’t want to wait too long, you see, and I’ve already “wasted” high school without a boyfriend. Is a good woman one who dyes her hair and wears the latest fashions? What is the acceptable skirt length for a good woman? What is her job? Is she a wife, a mother, an office lady, a teacher, a lawyer (haha, yeah right!), a farmer? What!?! What did sensei mean? And why did he say it to me and not to the other girls clamoring to say good bye. Why is it up to me to be a good woman? Haven’t I worked hard enough being a good student?

I just wish he’d given me some guidelines, a school handbook, a life handbook, so that when I see him out in the world he will look at me and finally tell me what I want to hear “You have become a good woman. You were always a good student, my best student, and now you are a good woman, the best woman.”

Taikusai- sports festival, think American field day
Bunkasai- cultural festivals, students make really elaborate booths in their classrooms
Osotsugyo Omedeto Gozaimasu- Congratulations on your graduation
Ganbaremasu!- I’ll do my best! (from the verb ganbaru meaning to persist or persevere)
My third year students graduated on Monday, March 1st. I was sitting in the teachers room and I heard one of the teachers say “become a good woman” to one of the third year students. She smiled and I figured it’s a cultural compliment that I’m missing out on by being American. When I was walking to the bus center from the graduation party for teachers I saw large groups of students walking with bouquets and various graduation presents. One girl I stood next to at a stop light was looking mournfully at her bouquet. I wondered what words her teachers had sent her off with. A side note on the lawyer parenthesis: It’s extremely difficult to pass the Japanese bar exam so being a lawyer in Japan is a HUGE deal. And from what I’ve heard it’s not particularly hospitable to women.